I was surprised at the number of bodies stretching, squatting, and curling before me. Today was the day I had chosen to return to the gym. I forgot that today was also a holiday. I meant to wake up earlier, but I stayed up late into the night watching Classroom of the Elite. That, too, was part of the joy: having the apartment to myself for a week. The Sun was out. The first of May felt like a promise, blooming into fruition. I was inspired – sparked by enigivensunday's lifestyle posts on IG, by the growing confidence in my body, and mostly by the consistency I’d built attending group workout classes.
Over the past six months, I've committed to spin classes. Which led to other classes that then turned into a sort of ménage à trois among Thai boxing and Pilates. At the time I had found myself needing to combat the solitude of constantly working alone. Ordinarily most of my days are spent alone. Which is to say that I must motivate and encourage myself alone.
Freedom is abundant in working alone, enough for me to procrastinate or lose clarity on what I'm trying to do, build. So I decided to invest in a space of support that required no planning on my part. The classes physically required me to leave my house and helped expel energy, thoughts that usually echoed in my head and bounced off the walls of the apartment.
Another turning point came in March, after completing a fast. It was the first time in a long time that I stayed disciplined to my word. I felt amazing. I became obsessed with how good I felt – and how many pounds I was losing. I promised myself that I’d make this a lifestyle. But a week later, the fast ended, and so did that proclamation. I began to feel disappointed with myself. It took a few weeks later to realize I had turned a spiritual task into a dietary fad. It revealed how warped my relationship to my body was in other aspects of my life. It was shaping the way I dressed, if I and when I had sex, what I ate, if I even deserved to enjoy things. My focus was on losing weight, not witnessing the capacity and capability of my body.
That shifted when I began improving at Thai boxing. The style demanded strength. It taught me to take a hit. Showing up – even when I was scared – changed how I saw my body; fragile and formidable. I was so proud of it. I discovered a new sense of purpose, self-trust, and knowledge.
I want to be strong – especially as I age. That’s why I’m standing in the gym. I’ve started an 8 week program. My aim is Monday through Friday but I’m not a fan of staying in the gym all day. I like to have a seamless workout. The busier the gym, the clunkier it feels. So ultimately, I’ll prioritize the experience that I want, rather than forcing myself into a rigid schedule that strips away enjoyment, I want it to feel like an act of fun, not punishment.
FOOTNOTE
I'm learning to prioritize the well-being of my body and those things in life that also delight me. I will enjoy the ice cream in the summer without shame.